There are a few words that I don’t think people like to talk about and those are failure and depression. In most cases those two feelings go hand and hand. The more you feel like a failure, the more depressed you get. The more depressed you get the more you fail at everything. No one at the start of this year predicted that we would be going through what we are going through now, and I never imagined that within one month of each other I would have lost my dog and my job. After a week of receiving the news I still cannot remove the inventible “to do” list from my mind, or the event details that contacts asked me to remember for the following year.
The never ending feeling of failure continues to enter my mind and soul and it is taken a toll on my self-worth and confidence. At some point, I am not sure if the tears that roll down my cheek like a waterfall are for Joe or my job. I think at times they are for both. At times you are able to look down the road and think of a new chapter as something exciting and new, but when you have not been out of work since you were 16 and now 44 the fear of earning the next paycheck becomes a bigger fear. That fear teaches you to not be picky and apply for anything and I mean anything. You don’t believe a job is less than your qualifications and start to look at jobs as a way to earn the famous green paper. As you try to pick your head up from the pillow each day, get dressed, try to look at yourself in the mirror, head out to find a place that has internet, order the cheapest thing on the menu and sit there and indulge in their free internet your body and mind weighs heavy. It is a heaviness that pulls the body down and eliminates any amount of hope you had walking in.
As the phone rings you hope it is a call of good news, but then it turns out to be a spam email. The only thing you want to do is to watch TV but living as “dry living” TV or internet does not exist. The only thing that keeps your mind from wandering too much is the puppy that demands continual attention and the aspen trees blowing gently. The next day is filled with the same structure, and ends with you lying in bed, looking at your phone and wondering what the next day will bring. As you try to look in the mirror you question your worth and value and wonder why that was not seen. As much as you try to remember that it was due to COVID-19 you still cannot help to feel that everything you contributed and did for over 15 years was for nothing. It was not the way you hoped to leave and perhaps one day my value and self-worth will come back to my soul, but for now, it is one moment at a time and one dollar at a time!