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What defines us?

What defines you? Is it where you live, your beliefs, your work status or your inner-self? I believe we ask this question to ourselves all the time. For some people it might be more and for more it might be less. I feel that I fall in the middle. I feel that what defines me is my travel. I have struggled this last year without it. It is not due to COVID, for I traveled more in COVID with the loss of my job than I did before. Which brings me to another thought, I feel sad knowing that I traveled more and had more freedom when I lost my job than I did when I had one. I almost felt a right and freedom to travel more.

I did not have to worry about the missed phone calls, or answering to a boss, or taking care of a team while off, I was actually off, which presented a unique sense of freedom and carelessness. I found food to be taster, roads smoother, and music crisp. The wind blew on my face like no other, and the sound of my tent blowing in the mighty cold wind was freeing like an eagle flying above. Everything was clear when it had been foggy for so long. Why did it take COVID and the loss of my job to see clearly? I had put relationships aside for work because I believed it was the most important thing in my life. I discovered in a harsh manner that it was not the case. I wish I could go back and re-do the wrongs I did, but in life your tracks only lead one way. You can never clear them and go back. We are like a lion in the dessert. Your tracks are seen, visible and feared by others, and can never be undone.

I am surrounded by many young relationships and their commitment to each other is beyond my comprehension. When I was 21 I had lost my dad, lost my virginity, and made some of the worst mistakes of my life. That behavior continued unfortunately well into my thirties and by the time I was 40, I had made horrible mistakes and wanted nothing more to forget and forgive. I wonder for these young kids, what their life will be like. They married so young, and I hope they keep their lives on a path without destruction or obstacles that end in pain. I of course, wish I could re-do all of it, but I was not given a full chance by some. It was a pain brought on early in life that escalated to so much unseen damage in life. I believe this is why I never wanted or desired children. This post has been off track and I will put it back on, and ask the question, what defines you??? Your past, your future, your love, or your loss? And of course, my song for tonight, if my favorite. It is raw, rough and true.

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